wallflower

[Barb Jacobs]

I need to blog today. Haven't done this in a bit, and as is my MO, I will likely take this post down shortly after posting it...

I'm entering a phase of dastardly poor communication skills. Typical for me in the summer. Edgy, freaked out, and frustrated, in my attempt to be honest and forthright, I often say things that come across wrong, and find myself viewing silence of others as a response to my irritating behavior. Like gas on a fire, this adds to my paranoia.

Yes, I'm rather idiotic. I already knew this, but just in case I didn't, I've been told by people who mattered to me. That I'm not happy enough, that I'm difficult, whatever. This is often followed by a 'but I will still be there' by people who then aren't. I call- not to the point of being a stalker, but a few times leaving messages and get no response. Or I email and hear nothing from people I know are talking to other friends. Or I respond to something on a personal email and folks go all business. So, I assume that it's avoidance.

I don't really 'get' the dance that is inter-human relationships. I never have, and apparently never will. Despite my most valiant attempts, I'm always a klutz. The most painful part of this dance though, is that every time I'm tossed in the air, there seems to never be anyone there to catch me and if I dare to take a challenging step, I always fall. At this point, the dance holds very little appeal.

Being a wallflower is a matter of self preservation.

For a good number of weeks, I've actually been doing pretty good day by day, shoving all this to the back of my mind and trying not to care. But it only takes a bit of stress to unearth the realization that I fail at the most important components of being a 'person', and that I don't contribute or belong anywhere, and that I am a financial and social failure of a monumental degree.

Perhaps a good scream in a pillow is in order. -.-

[Carli King]

Inner peace is over-rated; over the years, I've become convinced that very little that improves the lot of humanity in general was created by those with nothing angsty going on.

Flawless, no-rough-edges social skills are even more over-rated. Impeccable interpersonal polish is one of the hallmarks of a sociopath--I can back this up by personal experience! But I don't want to...just take my word for it, okay? Be glad you're nothing like those guys...you can bet everyone around you is!!!

Your work reveals something a lot more rare and valuable than what you claim to be deficient in. Could those who've never experienced betrayal, isolation, and loneliness (and discovered how utterly inadequate those words are to convey the agony they were coined to describe) have the insights that infuse a work like Xylia? Um, nope! If they're creating anything at all, it's "The Further Adventures of My Little Ponies," or other so-bland-it's-creepy pseudo-art. So Yay, Barb!!! ....and if anyone says different, they should commit coprophagy and expire.