wallflower

[Barb Jacobs]

I need to blog today. Haven't done this in a bit, and as is my MO, I will likely take this post down shortly after posting it...

I'm entering a phase of dastardly poor communication skills. Typical for me in the summer. Edgy, freaked out, and frustrated, in my attempt to be honest and forthright, I often say things that come across wrong, and find myself viewing silence of others as a response to my irritating behavior. Like gas on a fire, this adds to my paranoia.

Yes, I'm rather idiotic. I already knew this, but just in case I didn't, I've been told by people who mattered to me. That I'm not happy enough, that I'm difficult, whatever. This is often followed by a 'but I will still be there' by people who then aren't. I call- not to the point of being a stalker, but a few times leaving messages and get no response. Or I email and hear nothing from people I know are talking to other friends. Or I respond to something on a personal email and folks go all business. So, I assume that it's avoidance.

I don't really 'get' the dance that is inter-human relationships. I never have, and apparently never will. Despite my most valiant attempts, I'm always a klutz. The most painful part of this dance though, is that every time I'm tossed in the air, there seems to never be anyone there to catch me and if I dare to take a challenging step, I always fall. At this point, the dance holds very little appeal.

Being a wallflower is a matter of self preservation.

For a good number of weeks, I've actually been doing pretty good day by day, shoving all this to the back of my mind and trying not to care. But it only takes a bit of stress to unearth the realization that I fail at the most important components of being a 'person', and that I don't contribute or belong anywhere, and that I am a financial and social failure of a monumental degree.

Perhaps a good scream in a pillow is in order. -.-

[Peg]

Today, I can see the background too. :)

[Francisco]

I apologise for being slow to respond.

One thing I've learnt is that if you're feeling down you tend to see the negatives in life and forget the positives. That then makes you feel even worse.

I know it's hard but try to step back and count the good things as well as the bad things.

Ps.
I was listening to a science programme[1] a week or two ago. One of the items was an interview with a psychologist where he was able to show that if you showed a picture to a person who was feeling in a "negative" state and asked them to describe the main feature, they'd be able to do that and that is what they took in. However, if you showed a person in a "positive" mood the same picture and asked them to describe the main feature, they would but they would also notice the background.

[1] It was one of my podcasts, Quirks and Quarks from the CBC.

[Peg]

Awwww, thanks! :) Hugs back!

[Joseph Volpendesta]

Peg, and here comes # 3! (((((((((((((((((((((((Peg}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Peg]

Scott, you added that on a day when I need one myself. Very helpful timing! (And happily, a local friend stopped by unexpectedly and gave me one in person too, so that's two rounds of good, here and there, both.) Thanks! :)

[Scott Maitland]

I have very little to add here that others haven't already said, particularly as I'm quite new to this group. But, yeah. *group hug!*

[Barb Jacobs]

Thank you everyone for being so kind- i don't think I can take any credit for the kindness that you all express, but I am thankful that you all feel safe enough to be open and honest here in the forum.

Thank you all for the kind words about me, and about sharing your personal successes and struggles with everyone else here. It does indeed help to know that you aren't 'the only one' who struggles wiht feelings of isolation or social inadequacy.

Let me join Peg in congratulating you Joseph, on your 31 years of sobriety. A brave and outstanding accomplishment that should make you feel rightfully more comfortable with yourself.

Thank you everyone for your continued support!

Hugs,
~B

[Peg]

Very helpful, and yay for you! That's a lot of years of worthy effort, making healing choices for yourself. Let us know on the anniversary day and we will cheer more for you. I like having good news to celebrate. :) All the Best, Peg

[Joseph Volpendesta]

In a couple of weeks, I will celebrate 31 years of sobriety. While everyone is different, a common denominator among alcoholics and/or addicts is a very low level of self-esteem. I had to learn to like me, that I did have some excellent strong points to go along with my faults. At the age of seventy, I am probably more comfortable with who I am than I have ever been. A great deal of this I attribute to an ever-growing relationship with God who helped me to understand that I do, in truth, have something to offer to the rest of the world. Hope that this is helpful.

[Strange Ian]

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing, Barb and everyone else! Been having doubts of this kind myself lately, and it's a comfort to know that I'm not the only one... It's a really crappy feeling, when you're thinking that you can't do the things that seem so very simple to others. On my bad days I think that it's because they know something I don't. On what I hope is my more insightfull days I think it's because some people are better at faking it than I am...