wallflower

[Barb Jacobs]

I need to blog today. Haven't done this in a bit, and as is my MO, I will likely take this post down shortly after posting it...

I'm entering a phase of dastardly poor communication skills. Typical for me in the summer. Edgy, freaked out, and frustrated, in my attempt to be honest and forthright, I often say things that come across wrong, and find myself viewing silence of others as a response to my irritating behavior. Like gas on a fire, this adds to my paranoia.

Yes, I'm rather idiotic. I already knew this, but just in case I didn't, I've been told by people who mattered to me. That I'm not happy enough, that I'm difficult, whatever. This is often followed by a 'but I will still be there' by people who then aren't. I call- not to the point of being a stalker, but a few times leaving messages and get no response. Or I email and hear nothing from people I know are talking to other friends. Or I respond to something on a personal email and folks go all business. So, I assume that it's avoidance.

I don't really 'get' the dance that is inter-human relationships. I never have, and apparently never will. Despite my most valiant attempts, I'm always a klutz. The most painful part of this dance though, is that every time I'm tossed in the air, there seems to never be anyone there to catch me and if I dare to take a challenging step, I always fall. At this point, the dance holds very little appeal.

Being a wallflower is a matter of self preservation.

For a good number of weeks, I've actually been doing pretty good day by day, shoving all this to the back of my mind and trying not to care. But it only takes a bit of stress to unearth the realization that I fail at the most important components of being a 'person', and that I don't contribute or belong anywhere, and that I am a financial and social failure of a monumental degree.

Perhaps a good scream in a pillow is in order. -.-

[Joseph Volpendesta]

What Peg and Carli said!

[Carli King]

Oh, and another cool thing, Barb--thanks for opening up this thread!!! Once again, in addition to Xylia and this forum, you've done something special and healing for people you've never seen face-to-face and didn't owe any favors to whatsoever. My personal sense of social inadequacy now feels just a bit less constricting; the inner isolation just that much less apt to steal my breath away. All because of the effort and gutsiness you used in sharing your inner world with us in this way.

Kudos, likewise, to everyone else who opened up in this thread! But Barb, you made it possible.

Thanks.

[Peg]

Oh, my people, my people! I just want to hug all of you. Because so many of us have challenges with this social thing,
me included. Barb, I did not see this sooner because I've been swept up in my own challenges, being so worried for
my friends in Iran. I'm sorry. I am answering as soon as I found it.

I acknowledge that you truly feel everything you have said. And yet I would not have guessed, because, to me,
you are an eloquent communicator! I always look forward to your e-mails, and as for your art, it continually
amazes me how vivid and detailed you make it. Your art communicates volumes in each image! I am utterly
sincere when I say I feel rich to have a lovely parcel of it!

I know what it's like to feel like a failure. And yet, while we truly do feel that way, those feelings can often block us from seeing the big picture. So I ask you to look at yourself through my eyes for a moment. When I look at you, I see a woman who has kept on
through challenge after challenge. A woman of talent, and heart, and determination. You didn't fold - you've kept it together.
You're raising your kids, running your own business. And times are very hard. But you're still keeping going.

Not only that, you are gifting all of us with art in Xylia, and that is something that lifts the spirits of many of us, in our own hard times. Looking at your work is the bright spot of many a Monday for me, especially today.

People who have told you that you cannot be a friend are speaking from their own confusions, not from a clear perception of you.
You are not only a friend to me, and Joseph, and many others of us here, you are an extraordinarily *good* friend. Who moved past
her own discomfort at making phone calls to reach out to me when I was having a stressful day? It was you! That was good
hearted, generous, and kind. And you are full of this kind of action, it's just that the people who are dissing you are not giving you any credit for it, because they're not bothering to notice the good parts. They are holding a warped mirror up to you, and pretending that it's true, but it's not.

But we here are better, clearer mirrors for you. Except that, the dissers have trained you to brace for a blow, and you have a hard time accepting that the praise can be real. And yet, it is. It so very much is real. Look at the quality of people you've attracted to this group! With all the backbiting there is, other places, what a relief it is to arrive here, and find friendly supportive comments in reply
to our posts. And why is that? Because this nurturing environment is what *you* have created here. Credit where credit is due.
And you are due the credit for here. Yes, you are. *big hugs!* Far from wanting to know you less, I look forward wholeheartedly
to continuing to get to know you better.

About the social dance - you are a very intuitive, sensitive person. You are introspective, and not someone whom the harsh words
roll off of, like they do from some cheerful bouncing extrovert. The problem, I think, is not with your dancing at all. The problem
is, you haven't had enough equally intuitive partners to dance with. Yet here we are, on this site you have made, all reaching out to you. Join us in the friend dance. If you can allow yourself to, I think you'll find you are really far more graceful at it than you give yourself credit for, at this time.

OK, group, circle dance! Barb in the middle, and everybody spiral in until we're all one big group hug. Go! :) Peg

[Lindsay B.]

Wow, reading this... it's like taking a slice out of my own day. I feel like there are days that I sort-of kinda "get" the social scene, and I can be cheerful and bubbly and whatnot, but other days I stick my foot in my mouth with a dash of relish(which I hate). I've wondered, repeatedly, if there isn't something missing out of my makeup somewhere along the line; a piece of social behavior here, an attachment that allows me to interact with other humans there, something.

And it's very hard to try and figure out where your friends fall sometimes. It's taken me years to get out of that paranoia, and every time that fear crops up that I've done something to alienate someone, I think, "Would that have alienated me? Maybe they're just quiet because they're having their own awkward social moment. Maybe something came up, or their mind is on something else." Generally, it ISN'T you that there's a problem with, it's just a matter of timing. It can be difficult when it seems like no one's there to support you when you need it the most, though.

It takes practice, like anything else. Just like learning to draw or write takes practice, so does being social, or learning to dance, or any other skill that takes time. So the important thing is to keep trying, and paying attention when something works. In the end, when you believe you're a positive presence, instead of worrying about your place in the "group", you become one. :D

[Barb Jacobs]

Wow- I'm always surprised that anyone responds to these blogs. You are all so kind. I'm so tired today, my spirit feels pretty squashed for multitudes of dumb reasons, and I'm physically wiped out from it.

Joseph, thank you very much. ^-^ Truly, I'm not really sure what 'friend' means, but thank you.

Wayfarer- all that you have written- it is just so kind of you. I don't know that I agree that 'hardships in life haven't hardened me'. I don't really feel that resiliant anymore, that I care passionately, or am able to accept things or bounce back like I used to. That I come across that way even suprises me. Wounds just seem to fester most of the time. But yeah, I do keep going. We all keep going.

And Metrius, thank you- yes, a bad day- or week- its sort of glommed together and I've lost track. ^_^ But you are very wise beyond your years. I will do what I can to take your words and make them seem realistic. ^_^

Generally, I find that the longer people know me, the less that they want to or the more they wish they didn't.

By 'wallflower' in this analogy, I mean missing out in this dance of interpersonal relationships. Just understanding the give and take of being or having friends, a love relationship, or even being a family member. None of it really makes any sense, and makes less sense to me every year.

Thanks for the kind words and well wishes, it does help me try. All any of us can do is keep going.

~B

[Metruis]

I always get angsty about failing at being a person and lack of contribution to society and no one loves me... seriously, your post sounds just like me on a bad day.

I'm not really a comforting person, but I try. So.

YOU DO NOT FAIL AT BEING A PERSON. D:

Right now you're stressed and feeling the worst of the worst of the worst. It's easy to let that overshadow you. No, no, if you were a failure, you wouldn't care about this sort of thing. You DO care, though, and you DO contribute, and you sit around on camera and goof off with your family and really, do you know how many parents are friends with their kids these days? So what if you're a wallflower? You don't HAVE to be the life of the party to be awesome! I think if I wasn't a wallflower I'd miss a lot of things because I'd be too caught up in me. Seriously, those polished and social people scare me, and either they feel just the same way deep inside (but hide it because they're social and polished) or they're egotistical and just don't care.

And actually, your blogging makes me feel more like there's a kindred soul out there. Not your comic--but what you as you are posting. You are not just creating something people can identify with, you are someone people can identify with.

Plus you're awesome. So THERE. You don't have to be someone who isn't you to be awesome.

I hope you have a better day tommorow.

[Wayfarer]

I relate to the matter of not getting how to interact socially... though I'd say a lot of people probably don't get that. I adopted a wallflower stance early - hey, in a crowd of people, the wall is where I want to be, anyway... and at least I'm still a flower! ;-)

But Barb, I think you never, never should feel that you don't contribute anywhere. And I don't just mean your artwork, though there are so many who are consistently refreshed and encouraged by it. You pour yourself into the things that you do. This includes your art. It also includes mothering your children. And this - this really is a big deal. I've been blessed with parents who've invested in me, but I know there are so many parents who don't. So often you've expressed how important it is to you to be there for your kids - you pour yourself into that, too. That is another place I know - without even having met you - that you contribute. And I suspect that there are other things I don't know about - they seem negligible, especially in the face of so many things that don't work out, that go wrong instead. It's so, so easy to see the things you seem to fail at, you seem to miss, you seem not to do well enough, and to let those overshadow everything else (and by "you," I sorta mean "I" ;-) ). And the shadow says that the good things count for nothing, the bad for everything, and things are never going to be any better, so it's not even worth trying. But the shadow is not the truth.

As for others being there or failing to... I wish I had some words of comfort to give. The absence is their failing, not yours, though it might not feel like it, and it doesn't change how much it hurts. The ignored phone calls and e-mails feel like they say something about your value, but I don't think they do; it's not that simple. It's never just one person who makes a relationship either work or fail. As one who adopted the status of wallflower early, I'm afraid I don't understand much of what does cause relationships to work out. When I have a friendship that does endure, so often I can't really look at it and say what made it do so - other than simply that I happened to enjoy talking with said friend, and they actually happened to return the sentiment. Not really a pattern I can look at and figure out how to reproduce! ;-) I'm sure there's more to it than that, but I'm certainly not sure what.

But Barb - you are strong, you are courageous, you care passionately, you are there for others even in the face of difficulty, and you haven't let your hardships in life harden you. These are not failures, but true successes.

[Joseph Volpendesta]

Barbara Jacobs, I am your friend and there's not a single, solitary thing that you can do about it, so, there! :p

[Barb Jacobs]

^_^ Thank you Carli and Joseph. That is very kind of you. Xylia is the one place where I can subconsciously get myself out there where I don't live in fear of putting my foot in my mouth, or conversely, being lashed out at. It's a real gift to have people say that they enjoy it, but more that if they 'get something' from it, or feel better having a kindred soul out there, struggling along with them.

I am not someone people can be 'friends' with - I've been told this both directly or indirectly- but at least I'm someone who can create something that people identify with and through that I at least have some connection.

~B

[Joseph Volpendesta]

Barb, I must agree with what Carli King said. For over a year now, I've read your posts detailing your struggles. In many ways, your struggles have been my struggles. But, over that same period of time, I've enjoyed and appreciated your talents through Xylia.
Your experience and insights are reflected in your work and I learn from both of them what kind of person you are. Barb, you are a gift to the rest of us who have had to fight the good fight. You are certainly far more than a girl from Iowa with a lot of art equipment. Thank you for sharing, on any level, and thank you for simply being you.
Carli? "Angsty?"